What should i do about my mother….and helping me get married.?
okay…this is gonna be a long one.
My fiance and i have been dating for two years and two months now and were both freshman in college, and the whole entire time, my mothers hated him for no reason…she even hated him before we started dating….(we’ve know eachother for four years now and when i asked to stay at his house once before we started dating she said "no, cause he’ll rape you."….right in front of him and the other people who were going to be staying there…so its not like i would be alone with him)
My fiance is not a bad person, he held his high school job for 5 years (which i never could) and hes going to college to be a powerline man, so he will be able to support me in the future if needed…he also is going for autobody technician…so he will have two sources of income for us. hes never gotten in trouble, not even a high school detention…and he was always polite and respectful…if not shy…
When i told her that we started having sex….(we were both juniors, and i wanted to start on the pill to prevent any pregnancy’s, and i needed our insurance.)…she cried allot and stopped letting me see him…and i could only see him at school, and that lasted for like 2 months….i finally started telling her i was going to another persons house or football games and instead snuck over to his house.
During this time i changed my mind on allot of things…(like any other high school girl)…and she attributed all of these changes to my fiance…she said that i havent changed my mind about those things since i was five, then i started dating him and "everything" changed…
Before we both went off to college he asked me to marry him (about two weeks before our two year anniversary). But when i told my mum, she said that i cant get married unless hes going to pay for the rest of my school and all my expenses, and i have to go to veterinary school (so eight + years of college)…and i dont want him to have to do that because we need to save our money for a house, and a wedding, and for our future kids (we planned ahead)….
I also changed my mind on where i want to go to college, and the college i want to move to just happens to be only an hour away from where my fiance is going to school…she also thinks this is because of him, which its not…im just not happy with where i am…im also paying like 35,000 to go to school where i am…and the other school is so so so so so much cheaper…so youd think she would have no problem with that…since id be getting the same level of education.
and i would like to get married now, and not have to have him pay for everything of mine…i dont want to be the one old lady whose kid is in 5th grade…and i dont want to loose all of my youth and chances to have fun with the person i love….
what should i do to make her see that its okay to be married and not have your spouse pay for everything…. especially when youre only 19…if we were out of college and had jobs i could see her point…or if wed only been dating for a year and never knew each other before then…but we’ve known each other and been with each other for four and a half years now…you would think she would see how much we love each other…
Filed under: Veterinary Insurance
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Your mother will seem wiser, the older you become….you will grow and change so much over your college years. There is a very strong chance that the woman you are now will become a very different woman by the time you graduate.
There is a very real chance that the traits and qualities you find appealing in a mate now may be different in four years…you owe it to yourself to mature as an adult and explore the world before tying yourself down to one man.
One thing about true love: it is patient. If you are truly meant to be with this man, so it shall be…you need not rush. Just enjoy the realtive freedom, get your education, and THEN become the grown-up with marriage, mortgage and big tasks ahead of you.
just tell here
Well it’s unfortunate that you have lost your mom’s respect by lying to her about what you’re doing and that your mother won’t accept your choice for a spouse.
You cannot change another person. This is probably one of the hardest lessons in life to learn.
The best thing you can do for both of you is to be responsible and the two of you pay for own wedding. Invite your mom, and if she decides to skip out, that’s unfortunate for her. Then deal with all the consequences of married life as an adult would do.
Hi Inge,
Reading your posting I am left to wonder if your plans for marriage is not your response to your mother’s attempt to control your life and your selection of a boyfriend is someone who is the opposite of your mother’s ideals. In essence what I am trying to say instead of dealing with the issue of control directly with your mother you have, at some level, decided to deal with by showing her that you have grown up. This means you have shown her you are capable of making adult decisions by telling her you have started having sex and want to become an adult by getting married instead of being assertive with her.
In addition, based on your posting, I do feel a part of this may be due to the fear of the future which maybe making you feel somewhat insecure and possibly that you have desire to have something in your life feels secure to you so that you can still hold onto a part of your childhood. Maybe there is a part of you that is afraid to grow up? By growing up I do not mean that you are immature but instead I am talking about the struggle most young adults your age goes through as they face leaving home. The struggle is accepting that you are now an adult, accepting that the carefree days of your childhood are now gone and you are now responsible for yourself. So in an attempt to deal with this struggle you are considering marriage to keep a connection to your childhood and trying to deal with your mother as a child, not an adult.
Do not get me wrong about your boyfriend, he seems like a very good choice. However my feeling, based on the information in your posting, that after a few years of marriage you will find that maybe marriage was not the right choice for you and by that time you will have lost your opportunity for a great career. There is no rush to get married and from your posting it reads as though he has been the only serious boyfriend you have had.
My advice to you is this delay getting married and consider dating a few other men. Give yourself a chance to know that the decision you want to make is the right decision and it is not one you are making to show your mother that you are now grown-up. Furthermore if you decide your boyfriend is your man of your dreams then I would recommend waiting to get married until you get your degree. If he truly cares about you then waiting approximately 42 months will not be an issue.
Additionally while you are putting this relationship on hold I would start being assertive with your mother and I would start creating a bit of emotional distance between the two of you. My feeling if you take charge of you life and let others know that you are in control I believe you will get the answer you are wanting.